Interviews.

Some people walk into interviews and even if they feel the nerves, they shine like a star – I am not one of those people, and although I have nothing against those people, I beat myself up that I am not like that. No I haven’t gotten every job I’ve had an interview for, but I haven’t not got any jobs either, so why do I put myself down to the point I’m reduced to buckets of tears?

Although my relationship with work has been strained for the past few months at all, it has only been recently that I seemed to have conquered my anxiety of stepping out of my comfort zone (as it wasn’t so much comfort as much as a pit of despair) and applying for jobs. With this, comes interviews and I recently had my first one in over 2 years.

My nerves do this thing where they hid, until the last moments and then they show up with vengeance, fighting back at me for trying to keep them at bay. Shifting from the fears of being late or too early, questioning if the bus would turn up, ended up as me breaking down to my boyfriend before I’d even left the house because I wanted it so badly.

It was like I couldn’t not fail but because I felt I couldn’t not fail I thought if I did, then I will be a disappointment to myself, and those around me. Although there is part of me that knows this not to be the truth, there’s an overriding self doubt that continuously pushes these thoughts to the forefront of my mind. It is these doubts that have held me back so much throughout my life and I’m sick of them, and done with them. Although the interview didn’t go exactly how expected, I came across more nervous and awe-struck than I thought I would, but maybe just maybe I shouldn’t think of it as such a negative thing? Maybe it just shows that I want it so badly that all my hopes are pinned on it. And maybe the reason it comes across so much is because I try to disconnect myself from those feelings that I am not in tune with them when they spring to light all of a sudden.

When I came out of the interview, I was in an emotional daze, I’d felt so much in so few hours and then it was over and I didn’t feel anything. I was jabbering on to my boyfriend over anything and everything critiquing every single thing I’d said or done, the way I’d moved my arms, to the tone of the voice, to the fact I hadn’t shaken the managers hans when I’d sat down (although she was already sat down, with 2 tables between us). And yet I shouldn’t have been, I should be feeling proud of myself, for overcoming (for me) another social barrier – so what if I don’t get this job, there will be another one out there for me, and I will be more prepared. I need to give myself due that this was my first proper job interview in over 2 years. Yes I’d had a course interview back in December and an interview with the college that would provide my training for the apprenticeship, but they were more informal and on a one-to-one basis, whereas this was not.

I still have not heard from the company, nor do I think I will – so the assumption is that I didn’t get the position. Annoying as it is that I haven’t heard back, I will be more prepared for my next one, and I am now even more determined to get out of the work rut I am in at the moment and move on to bigger and better things.

What are your experiences with interviews?